Mental Maps

I read mental maps of the house we never built.
Waltzing to the tune that was never heard;
Up on my feet, through the night, that never was;
I relish meals you never cooked for me.
I end conversations we never had,
answering all the questions you were too cowardly to ask.

I draw pictures with words,
Of vast landscapes with trees bearing fruits, we will never eat.
I walk on roads we thought we would plant saplings along;
Leading up to the steps of your neighborhood library;
I stand at the window, quoting poems you'll never read.

Existing through the years of this life without you;
I have treasured the minutes you were there.

...

" keep writing, please?"

" I can't, I need a muse. "

" But you had one, didn't you?"

Well.

Words, oh words.

 “From this experience, I understood the danger of focusing only on what isn't there. What if I came to the end of my life and realized that I'd spent every day watching for a man who would never come to me? What an unbearable sorrow it would be, to realize I'd never really tasted the things I'd eaten, or seen the places I'd been, because I'd thought of nothing but the Chairman even while my life was drifting away from me. And yet if I drew my thoughts back from him, what life would I have? I would be like a dancer who had practiced since childhood for a performance she would never give.”

-Memories of a Geisha, Arthur Golden

Waiting is atypical. When you’ve waited a long time, the loneliness, the pertinent absence, becomes almost a part of you; a part of your everyday life. It ceases to matter anymore if the wait is leading you to something or it is just what it is, a wait. You’ve waited so long for your Chairman, that even when he comes he doesn’t suffice. Waited so long, that Love wouldn’t suffice. 

Mera wo samaan lauta do...

Day dreams. Pretence.
You and me back then. Pretence.
Ignore me like you always did.
Love me like you never did.
Far away. Near. Pretence.
Tears. Smiles. Pretence.

I jump off mountains, I walk those empty streets, I fly...fly, up up and away.
Reality. Pretence.

Looking for you. Empty not. full? Not yet. Looking for you. Pretence.

...ek sou solah chaand ki raatein, ek tumhare kandhe ka til...

Samaan tere paas...main? Pretence.

red ink

there is one you could live without, there is one you should live without, there is one you learn to live without. 

there is no one you cannot live without.

...

baadal kaale nahin...saanwle se hain...

baarish bhi kuch dhundh si maloom hoti hai...

aankhon me nami si hai bhi...nahi bhi

tu kuch yaad sa hai bhi...nahi bhi.

sirhane ek kitaab padi hai...uski ek pankti me tera zikr sa hai...

meri zubaan par tera naam sa aaya bhi...nahin bhi.

tera chehra, yaad, zara sa hai bhi...nahin bhi...

adhkhuli aankon ka dekha wo tera sapna hai bhi...nahin bhi...

mere jahan me bas tu hi hai...

tu is jahan me hai bhi...nahi bhi...

............

May's malady?

I can write a love song, a love sonnet.

I can show to you exactly how pretty the things will look when the couple walks hand in hand under pouring skies.

I can write a love poem that will make you blush.

I can do so much more but I cannot promise you that I will make a promise. 

You know why? 

…usne apni deewangi baanti nahin…maine apni fakeeron me luta di…

...i don't even have a picture of him...he exists now, only, in my memories.

all has been said and done - 2

"I love her," Rice said. "I love her so much. And I love her so much that I love that she hasn't spoken to me -- because even in that I have learned so much over the last two years."

wishlist-3

I love to lose myself in other men's minds.... Books think for me.  ~Charles Lamb

I want a huge room overcrowded with books. I want to live in the library. I have a bookshelf at home that is in one word minimal. I want to live amongst the books, smell them, and look at yellow pages. I want to open up plastic covers from new books off the press, but more than that I want tiny notes made on a book, smart lines underlined by people who have read them. I have not read enough. Not because I never had the time; But more so because there are too many books, yet never enough. I want a piece of each book. I want to read a line from each book that I have. The story is not as engrossing as the words. The small words that make amazingly crafted phrases. 5 worded wonders that make or break a story; just like that last line in Black Swan that justified the entire movie.  I am bad with grammar, I am bad with spellings, but I know a line and its entailments when I read one. I can’t get enough of the writ. I can’t get enough of writing. I can’t get enough of reading.

I’ll change jobs. I’ll work at a bookstore. I’ll be a bookshop owner or a librarian in a few years. 

To sit alone in the lamplight with a book spread out before you, and hold intimate converse with men of unseen generations - such is a pleasure beyond compare.  ~Kenko Yoshida

.......................................................

...

ek haton ki harqat hi sahi,

 ek palkon ka jhapakna hi sahi,

ek banti halki si hasi hi sahi, 

wo lamha hi to tha, ek lamha hi to hai...

ek lamhe ki bas zindagi, ek lamhe me hi guzar jana hai...

bataun hain kya aansuon ki haqeeqat; samjho to sab kuch na samjho to pani

i looked for you everywhere
deep within me. in my soul. my heart. my thoughts.
i looked for a picture of you. i looked for your trace.
no
nowhere
i did not find you
a tear drop then formed in my eyes, rolled down kissing my cheeks and died on my lips.

yes there you were. 

you walked the shortest distance.
lived the shortest life.
you still are the teardrop that forms almost every night.
you are the teardrop laden with sighs, laced with a stringy nostalgia.
you are just a teardrop.
you are a teardrop nevertheless.
yes. the teardrop. 

-------/--\--------

desire

the longing does not satiate

the inability to hold you kills me deep inside.

i haven't tasted your lips but i can feel them on my mouth. 

i haven't tasted your tongue but i can see it slithering inside me. 

to have your arms around me i would kill.

is it lust?
i disagree.

is it not?
  i cannot deny. 

your eyes lingered on my skin...

long enough to make me wet inside.

i bloated and floated at the same time. 

i shrunk and flew at the same time.

i haven't seen you in days it only adds to the delight. 

the sweet pang of being the kill that you left...left in the lurch to die.
agonized with misery, yet i look at myself with envy and pride.

you chose me to fall in the trap...hand-picked before you could have me tried. 

tourtured and tormented with tantalising thoughts of us close.

your eyes hyptonising me, ravaging me, feeling me.

all over me.


you all over me. 

her: "why should i stay in-satiated?

why ain't i allowed the philter?"

him: "what good is satiation?

what good are desires when fulfilled?"

................................

“A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times”

frozen

me in your rear-view mirror

me in the reflection of your guitar

you in me. 

-------/--\--------

random conversations

him:i come here everyday, every after noon during the lunch hour. thinking about you.

  her:

  what is the use

  i am not here

  him:

  it is not for your use, it is for me.

-------/--\--------

what is it to be a man?

what is it to be the provider?
what is to then lose and have hope filled eyes pinned on you?

what is it to be the strong shoulder?
what is then to cry on the bathroom floor?

what is it to be a man who leads the woman?
what is it to be the child and yearn to sleep on her lap?

what is it to be a father?
what is it to hold that thankless position when the accolades are taken away by the 'doting mom'?

what is it to start the family?
what is it to stand at the background and watch it grow?

what is it to bleed for a woman?
what is it to then be able to let go off her, be the one to be blamed?

what is it to be the victim, yet play the villian?
what exactly is it to be a man?

-------/--\--------

all has been said and done

 here i beg. borrow. steal.




Céline: I, I always feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood, and without making... making it look my... my whole life is revolving around some guy. But Loving someone, and being loved means so much to me. We always make fun of it and stuff. But isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

Céline: And he's so cute! He has beautiful blue eyes, (he closes his eyes) nice big lips, (back-pouts his mouth), greasy hair, (she laughs) I love it. He's kind of tall, and a little clumsy. (softly) I like to feel his eyes on me when I look away. (smiling) // He kind of kisses like an adolescent, its so cute. //


Céline: So often in my life I've been with people, and shared beautiful moments like traveling, or staying up all night and watching the sunrise, and I knew those were special moments. But something was always wrong. I wished I'd been with someone else. (They both laugh)
I knew that what I was feeling, exactly what was so important to me, they didn't understand. But I'm happy to be with you. You couldn't possibly know why a night like this is so important to my life right now, but it is. This is a great morning.


//////

the complete script>> here

...

खामोश हैं आज ;

कुछ केहना बी तो नहीं हैं |

ना कोई अधूरी काहानी है , नाही कोई आगाज़ जिसके अंजाम की उम्मीद  हो |

ना कोई किरदार; न कोई शक्ल जिक्सके धुंधले होने का दम भरें  |

कोई ख्वाब बी नहीं हैं के जिसके टूटने पर उदासी हो ; नाही कोई चाहत ना कोई आस |

कोई सवाल ही नहीं हैं के जिसके जवाब मैं रातों को जागा करें; कोई उलझन ऐसी जिसके सुलझने की फ़रियाद करें  |

ना तेरा साया है , ना तेरी तस्वीर  ;

ना तेरे जिस्म की प्यास; ना तेरे थर्राते होटों से अपना नाम सुन ने की चाहत कोई  |

नाही कोई बैचैनी  है; नाही कभी दबी हुई, कभी उखड़ी हुई सांस ;

नाही नींद |

एक अनजाना  ठहराव  है बस ; कुछ खामोश से हैं आज |

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming ;

Or the moment of truth in your lies

when everything feels like the movies ;

Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive"

deAd aGain

a gleaming light shone.
around the corner blazing like before.
its gone out again.
and i am dead again.

smiles carried forward...

The day started out usual. I was late. Burnt the toasts I was supposed to have. Made less coffee than required so couldn't come around to drink it. so made a sandwich out of the burnt toasts, wrapped them in paper, shoved it in my bag, carelessly tied my hair and rushed out...waited for the lift to come up to my floor, rushed back to the flat to check if I hadn't closed the door from the outside...bhaiya was standing at the door and gave me a sheepish smile, I smiled back stupidly (he always brings out the child in me)...

Waited for the auto on the road...waited.
Waited. Period . Still waiting.
After full 10 mins of waiting under the sun I finally got an auto…

Pulled out the cold sandwich struggled with the tissues and my hair and the sandwich and the bumpy ride :(

I am currently reading the alchemy of desire ...I read the conversation the couple has on 'the herbivores’ i smiled.

The auto then struggled in the traffic and I hit my head...I cursed.

There is this eunuch I meet every day on my way to office. She commented on my black nail polish when I once denied her money. We smile at each other and i give her min change. My nails were bare today. She smiled and said I will buy u a new one. To that the auto wala smiled and we chatted on our way to the office. Our smiles were infectious..there was this guy on the road who saw us smiling and chatting and couldn't help smiling...in the terrible jam near my office the auto-wala smiled and spoke to a man on the opposite car...he smiled and replied (no idea what they spoke abt..Still struggling with kannada)...

I reached office, entered half hopping, smiling...(surprisingly I wasn't late!!!)...smiled at Shankar boss when I said good morning...

he looks at me and says 'bhavika kya baat hai itni khush kyun ho?'

i was at loss.. :)