Faking it with the Faker

Na, nothing yet. I just dont want this place to die, I dont want the Vagabond to vanish. I want to let this place breathe, I just dont know what to feed it...

as of now, this:

silence.

this has been a long pause. a prolonged pregnant pause. a red polyester sheet covered on the wounds. hiding them. making them worse. this has been a long night. a severe night. realising that the emptiness would remain, forever. this has been the night of the truth. a long prolonged prelude to a long overdue finale, finally reaches its ultimate destination. it is just the silence of the death now. it is just the end now. 

Linger

Will doodling help? Maybe it will. Maybe not, I’ll draw some pictures for you. At least I can try.

It was something to be around him, to be his. Bliss? She knew she was home when she lay on his shoulder playing with that one lone strand of hair on his left arm. 

‘You snore!’ He complained every morning and then he’d embrace her and whisper quietly in her ears, ‘but you still are the cutest’.

They fought every night. They made love every morning. Bodies always found each other; translating the love that their minds weighed down upon. This was not going to last, it was obvious, a death knell could be heard softly just before the road turned; but they clung onto that last strand of laughter, that last meal together, that last walk by the beach, that last hug.

“You know I am working and then suddenly this need gets hold of me, I feel uneasy as if a certain part of me is missing, as if I am suddenly empty…I take a deep breath, feel my sweaty hands and realize I am longing for you…I miss you”

The opposite of Zen.

Only if we start eradicating/castrating/eliminating duffers from our personal space can it be possible to get the morons up there off our faces. Effing channels beam Big Boss and the entire family watches that, Aaj Tak and other news channels decorate moronic stories and come up with 45 minutes long super-stupid *news special*. Feels like they are invading our personal space and shitting on us.
Fucking morons. Effing sickening morons.

The Quest

This was a long comment on someone's blog a long time back, I still think the same way and it still is the same. 

I agree to us being prisoners.

Prisoners of our minds, of our egos, of our self contained prejudices. 

We are all prisoners here of our own device.
Holding us and curbing us at the same time.

I'd say, Love is over rated. All of it is.

I'd say forever is bullcrap. 

Yes we get attracted. Yes we fall. Yes we agonise, torment and vice-versa.

But then, just the same we move on. 

Moving on is undeniable because we as humans are medically fit for Love with a person only for 4 years (the effects of the chemical changes that occur in the body when one is attracted to the other stay only for a 4 years…the same then start to wane. True story!)

Love would not have been over rated if it was the ONE that we loved for life.

But we don't, do we? 

Why should one fight to be with that one and then regret saying - "you are completely different form the person that I settled for"?

We get attracted to a person because we think that he/she is perfect for us. Over the time, the person becomes more and more imperfect not entirely his own doing but more so because we see the reflections of our unrealized dreams, our imperfections in the person. The romantic projection of a God/Goddess at a point in time gives way to a normal, needy, erring human being that is almost just like you are, just as likely to fail/fall as you are. 

I believe that Love can be sustained when someone loves your flaws. Yes, it is the love for the virtue in a person that can initiate Love but it is only the keenness of the other to love the flaws that can sustain it.

Someone said once:

"I love your flaws, because they are only mine to love"

  

(But then again, this was a long time back, though that someone is nowhere to be found now, and eventually I realised that when that someone said that, that someone did not mean it; I still think however,if at all there is any, that is how Love should be.)

something warm, something sweet, something like garam chai

It should feel like a fresh bath.

It should feel like the soft light feels, on a rainy, misty evening.

Should feel like a warm hug.

Should feel like an unspoken prayer, should feel like an unshed tear.

Should feel like half a smile.

Should feel ‘maddham’ .

Should feel like the warm blanket.

Feel like life.

Should feel like I am alive.

agar

agar mujhse mohabbat ho jae, to ek nazm likhna...

mere paas aake, mere kaano me wo geet gun guna na...

If it so happens that you fall in love with me, write me a love sonnet, no don’t laugh now, I mean it. Write me a love sonnet and then when you are midway through it and you realize that there is nothing really to write and then you laugh aloud at your foolishness, turn around and leave without saying a word.

And if you can’t leave, say you laugh loud and then you draw a big smiley face on paper (or a gloomy/sad/morose smiley because people tell me that is how I am generally perceived, though you know that is not the case I am mad sometimes) but the point being you cannot leave and you come to me and tell me what happened (well because you are not scared of my reaction are you? You are my man J ) then let me know, that you love me. Maybe, you wouldn’t have to say it.

Maybe I would write you a sonnet, 

Khamosh rahoon to batiyate rehna....baatein karun to sunte rehna.

nahin...khamosh hi rehna, meri khamoshi sunte rehna....

magar, agar kabhi mujhse mohabbat ho, to chup mat rehna....mere paas aana aur mujhse kehna.

...

Will it feel like flying with the wind whilst falling off the cliff?

Will teardrops flying off my face, fall back on me as raindrops instead?

Love is blind.

...and She said that love was blind.

She left her home travelled into another country. people with darker skins, a darker mind. weird language and weirder thoughts. 

She didn't think about anything, She just followed him.

Mohabbat honi chahie thi, jung ladni thi...dil jalne chahie the. jeet honi chahie thi.
mohabbat hi nahin hui bas; bas jung hi ladte reh gae.

khud se, tujhse...is-se us-se...sirf jung hi ladi.

yaar mohabbat honi chahie thi...

pyar hua, par wo ishq wali baat nahin thi. jung ladne ki koshish bhi ki to sali aadhe dil se ki, pura dil lagana chahe bhi to kya? kabhi usne nakaar dia kabhi dil ne use nakaar dia.
 pyar pe, pyar ke nagme likhe...pyar me pyar ke nagme pyar wali baarish me bheegte gaae...
par wo ishq me bheege dil wali baat hi nahin thi...sukha sukha sa hi hai sab bas...

mohabbat honi chahie thi re. sachi.

'did you plan all this?

She smiles and says, 'Love is blind!'

.......................................................

do you do it too?

I look at women admire them for a quality that they have/lack and then think of my male 'friends' and how they would have liked her.

I heard this woman online with an amazing voice, an enticing name and an awesome profile pic, (no I was not stalking anyone, I was just mindlessly surfing) and instantly thought of this someone who would have easily liked her. I played out an entire relationship in my head and then thought I should tell him about her.

...and then I did

time goes by, so slowly...

kuch waqt ho chala hai tujhse baat kie hue, kuch waqt ho chala hai tere awaz me ghule shehad ko chakhe...kuch waqt ho chala hai tujhse lade, kuch waqt ho chala hai tujhe yaad kie....


...ye waqt beet chala hai, ye waqt najane kaise par chale chala hai...


kuch waqt ho chala hai tere hoton pe apne hoton se apna naam likhe, kuch waqt ho chala hai tune mujhe yaad nahin kia...kuch waqt ho chala hai tu mujhe bhool sa gaya hai, kuch waqt ho chala hi teri aahat bhi nahin hai...


....ye waqt hi to hai, guzar jaega shayad...ye waqt hi to hai jo kat ta nahin hai...




title from this track:

sonrisa

...and what did I do today? I played hide and seek (he did the hiding) with a 2 year old kid at the table opposite mine when I was out for dinner today.

I didn't need dessert and he laughed a hearty laugh =)

.......................................................

Bonjour!

And this week comes to a close.

One day can teach you many things, and I learnt through the week.

This week taught me more than I could keep pace with.

I had a panic attack (or so I call it) which was the fallout from bad performance at work, losing people over  misunderstandings, the feeling of inadequacy, the tally between 'what could have been- what should have been- what is now', the volcanic eruption of everything that I had bottled up inside of me (read as a whole lotta crap). I lived for an entire day with a nagging feeling of uneasiness coupled with a strange fear that I am going to burst into flames any moment now, and I was literally trying to save myself from falling (and yes not to mention the falling in a moving bus and the conductor saving me and pointing out the seat that remained unoccupied coz I was preoccupied, yes I was not hurt, save a non-existential scratch on the wrist).

I was on a spree looking for ego-boosters and trying to be invisible both at the same time.

I was saved (and no I am not being melodramatic by using this word “saved” is the right term) by this one long chat with a friend, who without even asking for directions showed me a better way out.  

“ you know what, you are not perfect, in fact no one is, but there is nothing wrong with it. If given a chance again to be anyone you can be, be yourself “

"you are the person who rates yourself, prepares the performance card shows to yourself and the world."

And why am I saying this? because if you, YOU who is reading this is feeling down or are blued out or are having a panic attack or are making merry with friends (but then if that is the case why would you be reading me?) and/or having a good time this is for you too. You may be special for some one who you might not even remember, someone may be looking upto you. someone who is a friend when you need a friend the most and just appears from the blue wants you to be you. 

Anyways this brings me to the realizations:

1.      Girlfriends are EXTREMELY essential (for girls in the strictest platonic-friendship way). Nothing equals to sharing coffee at the beach  after work at the end of an excruciating week with an old friend who does not bitch/complain/judge/argue/philosophize and just lets you be and is herself.

2.     The ‘I-AM-ALWAYS-RIGHT’ philosophy is wrong. Don’t practice it, don’t put up with it. Its like smoking a cigarette, suicide and homicide in one go.

3.     The stress buster: smile at total strangers. The auto-wala, the woman struggling to get her way out of the bus, the conductor who haggles with you for change, the woman looking at you from the mirror. Smile and it is magic.

4.      Housewives are the hardest, most-est HARDEST-est working people in the human history, atleast my mother is. (1 month of cooking, looking after dad, packing the dabba, taking care of the 'subah-raashan-khatm-hogaya', 'bai-nahin-aai' dilemmas I will fight with any man/woman who says that housewives have it easy)

5.     Unlearning is difficult. Don’t settle for anything less, ever; if something is curbing your thoughts, creativity, putting you in a box don’t settle for it. Because this causes a lot of damage. You know your capabilities don’t let anyone make you underperform, you might not be able to rise (/or have difficulty rising when the opportunity strikes). 

that is that. 

take care folks, keep smiling.

sab maya hai.

eventually we all realise there is no point in being so serious about anything.
eventually we realise that what has come will go. ( also note:  if you cum now, you will cum again later)
eventually we realise the higher you go, the longer you'll fall.
eventually we realise change is the only constant.
eventually we realise that you are just as awesome as you feel, you feel just as awesome as you really want to.
eventually we realise we need to move our butts to get things done, to progress/retract/act/react.
eventually we realise we will move on.
eventually we realise nothing will ever be enough.
eventually we realise a fling is just like a 'happy' night out, you tramp it out and are left with a bad hangover.
eventually we realise we are just as happy as the songs in our playlists
eventually we realise we invite trouble and then blame the 'others'
eventually we realise 24 hours is not enough.
eventually we realise Mom is the bestest(-est) thing in the ENTIRE universe
eventually we realise you are cared for only as much as you care about (because it is all in the mind).
eventually we realise we are not enough
eventually we realise we are just about enough
eventually we realise we just dont know enough
eventually we realise the best way to fight the blues is to smile at a total stranger in a packed bus
eventually we realise that therapy is overrated
eventually we realise that love is overrated
eventually we realise that Life is NOW

eventually we realise we are wrong
eventually we realise we were supposed to be wrong to understand the right.
eventually we realise we are all happy people with smiles lost in certain corners, just need to open the right door.


eventually we forget all of this

Smile

OASIS

Someday you will find me 
Caught beneath the landslide 
In a champagne supernova

so where were you when I was  getting high?

leaving...left.

“...cant take my mind off you…till I find somebody new.”

...

Oh look there is the chameleon again. Hops from one tree to the next, wears a blue today a gree tomorrow…no wait there was a red and a yellow in between as well.

He takes the same routes, follows the same channels. Learns new tricks everyday…stings you today…yes you, and you there on the left wait till he stings you tomorrow..

Did you see the chameleon hop? He is coming right behind you, he will sit right besides you. 

the moment you turn he will hop out, leaving you behind...he will hop out leaving without you.

...

...

Ek din ka rishta tha,

Ek pal ka sath,

Is lambi zindagi me bhoolna…

..tujhe bhoolna bas ek lamhe ki baat.

...

...

"Did I say I loathe you, Did I say I want to leave it all behind?"

fuck you.

lost

"kahan ghum ho gae ho?"


"dhoondhoge to mil jaungi"

DOPE

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgStt2i_pSk&feature=related)

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCtJUOIuf80&feature=related)

.Eddie Vedder.

02.05.12

let me hear you say....hey...you've got to..yes you got it right!

.......................................................

issues.

I have trust issues.

Q: Why?
A: Because every time I trust someone I fall flat on my face.

So? 
Now, I am just saving my nose and not trusting and hence not falling and hence much safer. 











over and out.

misplaced sanity

I have been on this ‘blame-the-flirt’ road before.


(here not that this gets negated, the argument is furthered)

But today is a new day.

A flirt is someone who just likes the ‘good’ part of it. 

Now,let me explain. When in the honeymoon period of the romance, you have so much to talk about, the other person on the other end of the line is all crazy about you and you are the perfect (-est) person in the entire world.

The whole world suddenly paints itself in different shades of yellow.

Now as the day progresses the perfect you turns into everything that is wrong with the world. The intrigue that was so attractive before now seems like the unnecessary dark shade in the character. Your smile that could brighten up the night skies in the past suddenly now is too toothy (or maybe too wide or not wide enough).

Like that loaf of bread on the kitchen shelf you turn tasteless (and rotten) with time.

The flirt stands for the good things, does not let things decay, upholds the ‘hope’/’good’/’happy’ by not venturing into the unavoidable ‘decay’.They are the sanest of all.

Cheers to the flirt.