absolution

I always thought I will die on the road, hit by a truck/jeep when crossing the road. Then I have this recurring nightmare, where I fall off the stairs, it almost always wakes me up; and since it wakes me up, I don’t really see me dying that way, maybe thoroughly injuring myself, turning me into a vegetable (which is worse than ultimate death).

But as you grow older life dawns on you as scares, you open for yourself different avenues. Then your mortality stares in your face and you do not take death as something you joke about.

Coffee and Silence

 Death is absolute, life gives you chances, every day. 

too much ado about nothing =)

I should have kept on writing. 

I took up a pen and found an old notebook, it had my husband’s scribbling on it. I think he abandoned it unknowingly. You know, like so many things in life we pick up, thinking we need them, but just, very simply end up abandoning them without too much thought, as a matter of fact not even realizing that, that something has been left astray somewhere. See now, I am really writing, I am philosophizing over a notebook which my husband bought and left after filling in a few pages. . 

We live on the 16^th floor of a new building. It further down a major arterial road and is frontal to a very busy, very tiny road. The building is so badly planned acoustically, that you can actually hear every single vehicle that passes by. Sometimes fights break out in the nearby slum when inebriated men lash out at one another, possibly hurling abuses at one another they actually want to hurl at themselves. I also hear dogs barking in the night, howling. Why do they bark so fiercely in the night and lay relatively calm during the day? Do they miss out on all the noise?

The height is good, I am sitting here in the balcony and I can see the rooftops of almost all the buildings in the vicinity. The breeze is an advantage, only that it sometimes too windy for my potted plants’ comfort sometimes, but hey that’ll only make them stronger, no?

I cannot wait for the rains, the air will be moist but cleaner, I cannot wait for the dust to settle. 

I shouldn't go too ahead of me, I have the summer ahead of me to sit out before that happens. 

of ketchup and haircuts.

1. you have to seriously reconsider your cooking when your husband reaches for ketchup/pickle at every meal
2. you can lose friends over a hair cut! [or earn their wrath =( ]
3. 'stealing the thunder' is a real thing. 

enjoy the weekend you guys!

*will the real slim shady please stand up*

Okay, so i have been to a couple of couples to their annulments of their love 'affairs' (strange affairs) by getting married to each other. I tried to be happy for them but was difficult, the impending 'life' that awaits them when they'd have to live with each other, wake up calls to breakfast through the afternoon stroll phone calls till the dinner. 

Marital happiness is highly over-rated if you ask me. Worse still if you have the perfect 'partner'. By 'perfect' i mean 'worldly perfect'. When you know there are a dozen women/men your spouse can keep/make happy but you are just you.

More like the pair of 'perfect parents' who have been there, not too pushy - but, not setting up boundaries - but. You know what I mean right?

Perfect marriages are like Santa Clause, just like perfect bosses are. Out there somewhere, maybe, but just no one in your fictional chimney. 

The other thing I would like to ask is how long and how many times does the haircut therapy work? 

My hairdresser on my recent visit to the salon was devastated to have to cut my 'long' tresses. I told him, it is just hair it will grow back;

 -hair now, gone again-  

lost and found and lost

I thought someday I will find you. Somehow. Even as I was leaving. 

There wasn't a fixed plan, nor a fixed time. It was always a time in future. But in time, I knew I will find you.

Someday in an overpriced coffee house that stores a guitar on that noisy street; there where you would order a doughnut complain how pricey it is, pick up the guitar and start plucking it. No, you wouldn't play, will be beneath you to play with ‘the mood’. Well maybe not that grand, but I thought someday I will find you.

Or maybe, someday on the street, when the traffic stopped, at the signal? It does sound cliché doesn't it? But you liked clichés you believed in them. The typical Bollywood you, minus the hypocrisy. Yes, someday when that signal turns red on me, I thought I will look on my left and there you would be on your shiny black horse. Horse? Yeah, it was nothing less than a horse. Yes, someday I thought I will find you.

But you are lost, it has been a long time. I should have found you already, before I lost all of me. 

Shouldn't I have? Why are you elusive?

I should have found you already. I should have found you so that you could find me in return.

Meri nayya paar lagane. 

Falling slowly

Killed myself. Died when I broke the promise I made to myself.

He was right. All my life I will be just OK. He cursed me.

No I am just blaming him and him. He doesn't need to be sensitive. I need to stand up and fight for myself. I need to walk out of the mess that I have made of myself, to be myself again.

...Moods that take me and erase me and I am painted black...
....

Hitched

Here I am. Back. 

I just wrote to a friend saying:
“life will never be the same again, but it isn’t too different (if you know what I mean)”"

I am not too different today, am just an upgraded version of myself. Some one new, some one I never knew existed. I feel more powerful, the power manifesting from his love; Love that is non-verbal, non-tangible, non-negotiable.

I am married. I share my  life with him now.

I will never be the same again, but I am not too different either…

More later!

=)

Mera wo samaan lauta do...

Day dreams. Pretence.
You and me back then. Pretence.
Ignore me like you always did.
Love me like you never did.
Far away. Near. Pretence.
Tears. Smiles. Pretence.

I jump off mountains, I walk those empty streets, I fly...fly, up up and away.
Reality. Pretence.

Looking for you. Empty not. full? Not yet. Looking for you. Pretence.

...ek sou solah chaand ki raatein, ek tumhare kandhe ka til...

Samaan tere paas...main? Pretence.

Die, fucking die.

The death of romance.
The death of conversations, of deep gazing, of day dreams, of hope and of mystery, of the sense of adventure. The death of poetry, the murder of that-picture-perfect-moment. The hopelessness of it all, the death of magic.
.......................................................

Loving is good if it's not understood

I would’ve told you what Love is,but am sorry darlings, I am not qualified enough. 
Let me tell you what love is. It is a common noun; a word used to describe affection ranging over varied degrees. 

“Send me a picture after you’ve washed your hair, I can bet you smell lovely”
…
“Are they dry? Send me a picture after you’ve dried your hair”

He likes me so much that he cannot lust for me and whenever he does he looks at my face and an over powering affection takes over.

I lay naked in his arms and he smiles pulls my cheek, plays with my nose and hugs me.

I love him too. I love him, so I fight with him, so, I fight him. I have questions, questions ranging from a lover’s jealousy, to a lover’s might. He disappoints me. I cannot tempt his wrath, I cannot bring him to... 

He loves me, he does, I think. 

I would’ve told you what Love is, but sorry darlings I am not experienced enough.  

…

P.S. You can do much better than this bitch. 

I am no non-believer

There are our ‘gods’ naked, sitting/standing in filth. That is how we worship our ‘gods’. We upholster their names on crossroads making seemingly unnoticed roads have over the top names that no one uses. This is how we insult our ‘gods’. We worship our ‘gods’. We fight over our right to call them our own, we own our ‘gods’. Rising up at the smallest opportunity to accredit something smaller to our ‘gods’, this is how we remember our ‘gods’. Ill insult your ‘god’ to make my ‘god’ look mighty. This is how we abuse our ‘gods’. 

I have given up on your ‘gods’ and to keep him safe, I have given up on my God.