wishlist 2

a lover's sigh

the smell of  your hair after you've shampoo-ed (especially in the rainy afternoons)

ice-cream for lunch and sweet-corn(on cob)

a half-read book on your bed (which you actually intend on finishing)

reminiscence of happy times. 

your friend who has known you for years just a phone call away, no guilt, no regrets. 

your friend who has known you for years saying that you are one person i thought who would do something with her life. 

you sit there and think. 

realizations: there i go again!

OK now there is this new realization, that has been on my mind since long but then anything that takes me away from what i love does not, AT ALL, go well with me.
1. the theory is that to be a happy person (yes fellas i am not bipolar, it is just that melancholy is my favorite vice) you have to be around happy people and listen to happy songs.
 sad songs depress you ALWAYS. period.
 nostalgia is not always unhappy and that good songs that have so formed your childhood (yeah the stupid one's as well) make you happy.
the corollary: well so that means you choose to be happy or unhappy but then to that i say , like calvin says, vice is not for better or worse, vice is just different than virtue.

'cut the crap honey!'

'eeee i know!!' 

so the long story short, i make my choices...it was melancholy a week back and, well, it is for the happier me today.
yeah another realization, 2. you know you are getting better with people when you earn sweet nicknames =D

i just love this track, this is one of my happy childhood memories:

realization 3, yeah i just found out, internet has no secrets, or well, yeah that also could mean i am famous ;)

i can use somebody.

what good are you doing to yourself when you end up asking the same questions again. each day, all the time. melancholy is a vice, true but it is not all that is to you.
you  have known how to be happy. why does it happen then?
why does an art perfected over time just shudder and fade.

"O! Poor unthinking human heart! Error will not go away; logic and reason are slow to penetrate. We cling with both our arms to false hope, refusing to believe the weightiest proofs against it, embracing it with all our strength…

In the end it escapes ripping our veins and draining our heart’s blood; until regaining consciousness, we rush to fall into the snares of delusion all over again”.

-“ the postmaster “

Rabindranath Tagore

firse subah hogi kabhi to tere dar par, firse tere man me ham rahe har pal. 

hala ka ukulele, momma made a baby

there are so many things in life that are beautifully described by Calvin-Hobbes.

like so many respectable people who are the talk of the town, who take up hours of prime time discussion on the very respectable 'news' channels. need exactly what Calvin here is selling. 

( it will be the dream job!!)

and i wrote a small letter to Mr. Bill Watterson,

Dear Mr. Bill,

thank you for Calvin and Hobbes.

thank you for telling us that intelligence is not the property of the self-professed-intellectuals.

it is inherent, innate.

it is a true genius who 'is', and is happy to 'be'.

thanks for telling us that it is always better to look at life with a little wacky point of view.

thank you for telling us that Hobbes being life like for Calvin is just as true as it being a stuffed toy for his parents.

love,

loads of it,

all Calvin and Hobbes fans.

and hooked to THIS track!!
(just in case you are wondering about the title)

and in the depths of winter i realized within me lay an invincible summer. 

not anyone you know.

i have been mulling over this and i think calling myself Vagabond is not exactly right.
Vagabond was a name that struck me and stuck to me due to THIS amazing poem by R.L.Stevenson.
i am in love with the poem and the message.

but of late i think i have become a person who does not live up to life.
someone who is not living up to the promises made to self, to others, pining for, looking for things that seem/are distant, hanging in-between, a Vagabond does not, it marches ahead, is comfortable with the today as much as with the yesterdays and tomorrows. i am not and i chose this.

i am more of a *gullible cynic*, yes i know, a paradox in its own way.
i just do not know myself anymore, do not know anyone who knows me or wants to.
i am just the puddle in the rain, who is special and beautiful only at times.
just like someone you don't know.
just *nOt anyone you know*

*is mod se jaate hain, kuch sust kadam raste, kuch tez kadam raahen*

wouldn't you ask if i wanted to hold you?
wouldn't you come when i want you?
won't i have conversations as i watch the sunrise?
can i walk away knowing ill be called back?
won't i see the rain without misty eyes?
won't i catch the smile? won't that smile be mine?

can i have the honey dipped sugarcoated mush without the chagrin?

can i have a little more of ME before being condemned?

...

ek haton ki harqat hi sahi,

 ek palkon ka jhapakna hi sahi,

ek banti halki si hasi hi sahi, 

wo lamha hi to tha, ek lamha hi to hai...

ek lamhe ki bas zindagi, ek lamhe me hi guzar jana hai...

the sham

कौड़ियों के दाम बिकते हैं अब,

कौड़ियों में हैं खरीदे जाते ,

धोका है?

हाँ ! जनाब मंज़ूर है ये बी अब हमें;

मजबूरियां नजदीकियों की हैं ,

धोके ही सही;धोके में हैं जीए जाते..

White lies bartered for momentary pleasures

Angelic hymns resonating in the crimson-walled hell.

Glistening faces tainted; 

Eyes moist with fear of farce, gaping, amazed at the reality.

the silhouette lost forever.

forever lost 


can't be too late to say i was so wrong. 

insomnia

wet pillowcases.

empty arms.

the never ending ache.

the dearth, the want, the fear.

dream-hungry empty weary eyes.

...........

 I've been here before

Sat on a floor in a grey grey mood
Where I stay up all night
And all that I write is a grey grey tune

...........

sing to me a lullaby, lull me to sleep. 

.................







Desolé, if someone is prayin' then I might break out,
Desolé, even if I scream I can't scream that loud
...
So pray for me child, just for a while
That I might break out
Pray for me child
Even a smile would do for now

[photo]

the chronicles of vellapanti

Someone Like You is a must watch!
nothing special about the movie,but the fact that i saw this movie when i was around 15 years ol' maybe, loved it then, saw it last night and loved it more...

the theories are hilarious and in a very weird way make a lot of sense and more than once had me nodding along =P


Eddie: It's over. Why can't you just let it go? 
Jane: I can't. 
Eddie: Why? 
Jane: Because I was happy. Because if this theory is wrong, men don't leave all women, Eddie. They leave me. 

well yet another list. (which kinda adds to all the hoola of *nothing good happens after 2 am)

The *DO NOT* list of things for a die-hard-romantic:
(read as a confused cynic on the verge of being a misanthrope who is in love with love and hence  tends to forget the *need of another person* part in between and then realises the lacuna at a very bad time)

1. DO NOT listen to romantic songs, especially ones that reminds you of someone(s)/some time/some place.

2. DO NOT watch  'LOVE STORY'

3.DO NOT ask questions whose answers you know.

4. DO NOT stay up after 10 pm.

5. get a life. [so do this unlike what is written on the opening line (ok sue me it is 3 AM and i am posting/scribbling, you sure did not expect me to make sense)]

and now, to top the list of the umpteen realizations there are these:

1. do not...DO NOT...let anyone know how much they are important, gives them ample sleep and makes you insomniac.

2. you want people who do not want you; people who want you, you do not want them. yes it is a triangle. you end up loosing face and loosing a friend/confidant.

and that brings me to the third

3. life is a two faced screwdriver (yeah it is a special kind), screws you whichever side you are.

its time.

you have to get a life when:

1. your mom get more phone calls than you do (landline and the mobile phone combined)
2. you consistently check the phone for messages even when it is on the *GENERAL* mode and you have clearly not heard a *BEEP*
3. when you have 10 drafts in your mobile phone, 15 saved half written *txt files in your *POETRY IS A WAY OF THINKING* folder and you are lines away from them making any sense.
4. when your mom asks you to get up and get a life. your teacher calls you and says you are lazy in the head and there is actually a lot to do and you do nothing.
5. when you log in/log out without any new chat convos, FB updates, mails and sigh.
6. when the weather is perfect outside, a movie theatre streaming 5 movies at a time is a walk away and you still sit at home wailing that you have no one to go to a movie with.

7. when you are half asleep through the day, half awake through the night.
8. when you are mad at some one and do not even know the reason why.
9. when you actually check the watch 3 times in a single hour and wonder if it is actually working. the clock hands just do not move.
10. when you watch a tamil version of munnabhai mbbs trying to imitate the actors language and end up more pissed.
11. when you make up random conversations in your head and then think over them so many times that they almost look like they were for real.
12. when you wake up telling yourself *nothing good happens after 2 a.m.* almost every single morning now.

get a life, like NOW.

it is official. i am finally doing nothing =D

what does one do when one has a lot of VELLA time on hand?
well since i am at my VELLA best nowadays i wish i had something solid about that and was originally wanted a realisations post on this.
but what the hell!
my friends have been on my back (it is very weird for people to see an architecture student [(the ex student now) YAY!] sitting at home, idle and doing nothing.
(note: the more glaring point to note here is 'IDLE' and 'DOING NOTHING').
people have now restored to calling me names...now cm'on does a person not deserve a good 2 months ka break from things (WORK, SOCIETY,PEOPLE et all) to do things one likes?

definition of things i like : DAY DREAMING, GAZING, POINTING AT ABSURD THINGS AND LAUGHING; watching, re-watching,re-re-watching movies that she loves, reading, re-re reading blogposts and books (2 at a time at that) wagerah.
e.g: i actually gazed at a pigeon on my window for a good 15 minutes as it took its stroll on it and i clicked some pictures.


I mean seriously why should people be so judgemental?
lazy bum or not, lazy head or not i am going to stay put...watch some more FRIENDS (which i think know by heart now).
Tell me when else in the world can u afford to sleep for say 10 hours a day and yet complain, when you are so free that you get a headache from doing nothing?? there are times when i am waiting for a reply and if i get it a 2 minutes after i sent it i get pissed. i keep looking at my contacts list for people to call and end up finding no one i can. shit!

but nevertheless, i m loving it and i am staying put! (well for the time being atleast)

no i am not being sarcastic here! not one bit!

on a serious note i seriously think all the VELLA time is gonna be real *bhari* on me =P

no wait there are two realisations:

1. i love the first part of Main Hoon Na and i know all the dialogues between SRK and Ms. Sen.
(go on sue me) hate the second part though.

2. i can sleep without any rhyme or reason ONLY for a good 15 minutes and i hate that about me. i wish i could sleep more...i just laze around. =|

BTW i did something today, in the sense that i submitted THIS post HERE for the colours magazine contest whose link i found HERE.

“The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express.”

 सोचा आज जज़्बात कलम से बयां करें,

चलो आज तुम्हे कोई नाम  दें.

किताब का वो पन्ना खोजा जिस पर कोई सिलवट नही,

नहीं था कोई दाग...न कोई निशाँ, नाहीं किसी की छाप.

पर अब सोचती हूँ...

किस सिहाई से तेरा नाम लिखूं?

किस रंग से तेरा ख़याल  लिखूं? 

किस मोड़ पर ये मकाम लिखूं? 
बोल कौनसी सिहाई से तेरा नाम लिखूं? 

याद आईं कुछ सुन्हेरी बातें; 
कुछ अँधेरी ; सुन्दर नीली रातें. 

कुछ वो धुंदली गुलाबी सा-पहर मैं लिखी  नज़्में , 

पीली हसी, कुछ नम  सुरमई खामोशियाँ. 
कुछ हरकतें, कुछ शर्तें , कुछ  काली सच्चाइयां .

सतरंगी खुशबुओं सी मुलाकातें.

और कुछ हरे लम्हातो में बिछी लालियाँ


बता किस सिहाई से तेरा नाम लिखूं? 

इन सबमे से किनपर  ऐतबार करूँ. 

इस वाकिये का कैसे इज़हार करूँ .

किस मोड़ पर ये मकाम लिखूं?

बोल  किस सिहाई से तेरा नाम लिखूं? 

*real old post..another attempt to avoid piling up unread garbage*

a known stranger

i close my eyes

  imagine u

  and that face pops up

  yes.

  you are a moment.

  a moment that is blissful

  now i m making a full hour of it

of bliss

  it is hazy and misty

  and has lots of rain

  and a windowpane

  where you and me sit

  watching the rain drops

  just that

  and...

wait

  and the best part is we cannot see each other

  you don't see me neither do i

  i am in your embrace...

  you are holding me'tight.

  and i feel you, feel you feeling me

  

you feel me?

and there goes my 201st post.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

stuck in the middle. Asking for directions?

Cuz' whose to worry if our hearts get torn

When that hurt gets thrown

Don't you notice life goes on

selfishness?
honesty?

how much should a person be honesT?

how much selfishness is enough,required?

Krish once told me selfishness should either be a 100% or  a complete 0%

i was compltely lost when i asked him...how much selfishness is ok enough to  let by?

he said you are answerable to yourself.

so when you actually want to do something do it.

when you do not want to do it and you do it out of gratitude, or for the fact  that the  person will feel bad do not do it. you'd stress yourself out.

do it if you are a mahatma and are actually liking what you are doing. 

do not , ever be in the middle.

it should always be in the extremes, absolute. a total 0% or a total 100%.

i am lost. am stuck in the middle.
am in a soup because i am brutally honest but after doing that  i cant walk out.

i stay back and sympathise and stay back and reflect over the bluntness i have shown.

i am numb but i say selfish direct things and then lament.

i cannot walk out like nothing happend, i cant help but stay back and look at the face of the assasin, look back and see not hurt or anger but a look that is of shock... the how-could-you-of-all-people-do-it-look.

i am sick of working on, building, working over, smashing into, not getting upto, not living upto expectations. 

i am sick of people having expectations from me.

i am sick of not living upto them .

i am sick of all the smothering .   

i am tired of being the third person and living like a spectator of my life.

i cant get a hold onto to it.

it is running beserk without aim, away away away.

i am running into it...running away from something?

running towards something i do not know. 

i see a vast green field with loads of fruit trees, a huge red kite and a blue sky, the kite just broke off from the string, i am running after it to catch it. i run run run away far into the field, and the field is endless. there is no end to it. 

no beggining no end.

and when i finally look around i find myself lost in the green field.

which looks exactly like the one i was flying my kite in, but now i am not sure if it is the same one. 

honey now if I'm honest 

I still don't know what love is 

Another mirage folds into the the haze of time recalled

And now the floodgates cannot hold

All my sorrow all my rage

A tear drop that falls on every page

I'm sick of hearing my own lies
And love's a raven when it flies

Meet me on the otherside




oh bluebird come sing again

romance

love the ad!

i miss it

as you grow up you gain so much. gain experience, the tact of dealing wiht people. you learn facts and facets of your life and those of others. you gain a deeper understanding in to the complexitites of relationships. rather you are amazed at the different startas where realtionships stand. there are bizzare relationships. there are complicated realtionships. there are relationships whose only stnading point is the fact they thrive on silence. there are relationships that have two people talking so much that there is no silence between them as if afraid that silence is goint ot bring in barriers, create space for awkward questions to be asked.
there are relationships that have no room for questions and there are others that have no need for questions between them.
yes, i have had bizzare relationships.
weird ones, with people that have known and shown me different facets of me.
some showed me my place, some played along and still stay etched.
but yet, in spite of all this i miss being a child.
yes, today i miss being a child.

i miss not thinking twice before calling up somone. 
i miss returning calls,smses. 
i miss people shreiking at me when i do not. 
i miss having a friend. 
i miss being a friend.

i miss not acting like a cynic, 

i miss not reading too deep into lines that may or not mean all that i am looking into. 

i miss blushing and not regretting me acting like a child. 
i miss being the special one

i miss acting all stupid and not actually knowing that i did act stupid. 

i miss going up to a guy with a class filled up with people and sob and say sorry.
i miss having that strength. 

i miss the trust that i had that i wont be snubbed. 

i miss being snubbed like that and yet trying again. 

i miss being a child.

i miss it. 


...............
photo from another awesome blog spot here