Nov 20, 2014

lost and found and lost

I thought someday I will find you. Somehow. Even as I was leaving. 
There wasn't a fixed plan, nor a fixed time. It was always a time in future. But in time, I knew I will find you.

Someday in an overpriced coffee house that stores a guitar on that noisy street; there where you would order a doughnut complain how pricey it is, pick up the guitar and start plucking it. No, you wouldn't play, will be beneath you to play with ‘the mood’. Well maybe not that grand, but I thought someday I will find you.

Or maybe, someday on the street, when the traffic stopped, at the signal? It does sound cliché doesn't it? But you liked clichés you believed in them. The typical Bollywood you, minus the hypocrisy. Yes, someday when that signal turns red on me, I thought I will look on my left and there you would be on your shiny black horse. Horse? Yeah, it was nothing less than a horse. Yes, someday I thought I will find you.

But you are lost, it has been a long time. I should have found you already, before I lost all of me. 

Shouldn't I have? Why are you elusive?
I should have found you already. I should have found you so that you could find me in return.

Meri nayya paar lagane. 

May 1, 2014

Falling slowly

Killed myself. Died when I broke the promise I made to myself.

He was right. All my life I will be just OK. He cursed me.

No I am just blaming him and him. He doesn't need to be sensitive. I need to stand up and fight for myself. I need to walk out of the mess that I have made of myself, to be myself again.

...Moods that take me and erase me and I am painted black...

Dec 27, 2013


Here I am. Back. 

I just wrote to a friend saying:
life will never be the same again, but it isn’t too different (if you know what I mean)”"

I am not too different today, am just an upgraded version of myself. Some one new, some one I never knew existed. I feel more powerful, the power manifesting from his love; Love that is non-verbal, non-tangible, non-negotiable.

I am married. I share my  life with him now.

I will never be the same again, but I am not too different either…

More later!


Mera wo samaan lauta do...

Day dreams. Pretence.
You and me back then. Pretence.
Ignore me like you always did.
Love me like you never did.
Far away. Near. Pretence.
Tears. Smiles. Pretence.

I jump off mountains, I walk those empty streets, I, up up and away.
Reality. Pretence.

Looking for you. Empty not. full? Not yet. Looking for you. Pretence.

...ek sou solah chaand ki raatein, ek tumhare kandhe ka til...

Samaan tere paas...main? Pretence.

Sep 9, 2013

Die, fucking die.

The death of romance.
The death of conversations, of deep gazing, of day dreams, of hope and of mystery, of the sense of adventure. The death of poetry, the murder of that-picture-perfect-moment. The hopelessness of it all, the death of magic.

Aug 4, 2013

Loving is good if it's not understood

I would’ve told you what Love is,but am sorry darlings, I am not qualified enough. 
Let me tell you what love is. It is a common noun; a word used to describe affection ranging over varied degrees. 

“Send me a picture after you’ve washed your hair, I can bet you smell lovely”

“Are they dry? Send me a picture after you’ve dried your hair”

He likes me so much that he cannot lust for me and whenever he does he looks at my face and an over powering affection takes over.

I lay naked in his arms and he smiles pulls my cheek, plays with my nose and hugs me.
I love him too. I love him, so I fight with him, so, I fight him. I have questions, questions ranging from a lover’s jealousy, to a lover’s might. He disappoints me. I cannot tempt his wrath, I cannot bring him to... 

He loves me, he does, I think. 

I would’ve told you what Love is, but sorry darlings I am not experienced enough.  

P.S. You can do much better than this bitch. 

Jul 7, 2013

I am no non-believer

There are our ‘gods’ naked, sitting/standing in filth. That is how we worship our ‘gods’. We upholster their names on crossroads making seemingly unnoticed roads have over the top names that no one uses. This is how we insult our ‘gods’. We worship our ‘gods’. We fight over our right to call them our own, we own our ‘gods’. Rising up at the smallest opportunity to accredit something smaller to our ‘gods’, this is how we remember our ‘gods’. Ill insult your ‘god’ to make my ‘god’ look mighty. This is how we abuse our ‘gods’. 

I have given up on your ‘gods’ and to keep him safe, I have given up on my God.