30 Nov 2009


when things have been done, when things have been said...when backs are packed.
in those final  breaths before that impending end...

part 1:

Awake to the loneliest part of the day.
The sky is turquoise blue.
It is not day anymore or night yet.
Walk on the noisiest part of the road; People push as they march no-one notices the fall.
Wish it still was about the crossroads? Wish it wasn’t the dead end to the one way road, the end, is it?
It isn’t crossroads anymore; it is not about the destiny yet.
Do you want it tangy? You never wanted it to be sweet.
Is it bitter still? A little ketchup will do the trick. Doesn’t do it anymore, does it?
It just doesn’t taste the same anymore; maybe it is just about hunger now.” Ahem! Don’t they serve capsules here?”
Wish to be lonely and hate when it is silent. Wish to talk and talk; but just gasp and pass.
They laugh away, who is the jest? Mirrors talk? Do they?
You wish to be invisible, shut up and go but you don’t and just wait. Wait to be overwhelmed.

part 2:

Awake to the loneliest part of life;
Then take the walk back. Walk from a place which made a zilch of you; into a place, holding nothing of you.
Walk from alone-ness into total stupor. Walk from randomness into anarchy, into mayhem.
Walk into darkness from the only ray of light.
A blinding- glare waits at the end of the tunnel for you. Asked for that lamp with a little darkness underneath?
Exposed and raped but still untouched; were Looked at, and knocked on the heaven’s doors?
They stopped making philtre long back.
But where are the other bottles? Aren’t those marked poison anymore?
Do they call it by a name? Do they recognise it by a face? Is that yours?

Isn’t the brightest day light just a trick before it commences towards its final death.
Isn’t destination after all the last tea-shop before the dead end?
Were you smothered into the finality?

Aren't you scripting another beginning to another end?

deAd aGain

a gleaming light shone.
around the corner blazing like before.
its gone out again.
and i am dead again.

29 Nov 2009

random conversations: me

him: that was me in the story that was my story.

her: [at loss.till date.]


to be or not to be.

him: tu ishq jatane me believe karti hai?
her: haan b nahin b.
thoda dikhao thoda  chupao. dn't say it directly. give subtle hints.
katra katra...

[after some time]

her: aur tu?
him: nahin yar allah ne mujhe itna patience nahin dia. i can keep it bottled up for a long time. then i just have to let it out.

20 Nov 2009


am i criminal if try and think for me for a change.
i do not want you . i do not love you. i do not love him either.

but am i a criminal if i care for myself.
but am i a criminal if i care for YOU, as well.
am i a criminal  if i say i care for you but cannot love you.
am i a criminal if i listen to you when you shriek and shout and call me names?
am i a bloody criminal when i say someone is perfect. am i insane?
am i a criminal if i for a change let go?
if i found a little happiness for me beyond you?
am i a criminal if i moved on?

aren't you so bloody selfish when you call me so??

why should i live with the guilt when you go fuck up your life?
why should i feel guilty if i was happy?
why should i not find happiness for myself?

aren't you responsible for yourself?
why am i supposed to take care of you?
did you ever take care of me?
why do you want me to pity you?
why do you loose your dignity in front of me?

why do i feel guilty every time i smile without you?

why do i still want to sit besides you?
why do i still smile with you?

i should die really.

P.S.: a situation when you want to be in a crossroad so that there is a third option left to go. instead of  a single road where you either go up or down, an option to just move sideways.

17 Nov 2009

un-requited love

YOU stood on the cross-road,
honey kissed eyes.
you saw me walking towards you,

looked at you, spat,
"what the hell now?"
i saw in your left hand,
a white polythene and a pair of cute pink socks.

like a flash that evening ran in front of my eyes.
i remembered,running out of change,not buying, sighing.
you remembered.
before i said another word, looked up,saw the silhouette walk away.

I gasped,
.............you,the pair of cute pink socks and me.

"He would not stay for me, and who can wonder?
He would not stay for me to stand and gaze. 
I shook his hand, and tore my heart in sunder,
And went with half my life about my ways."

13 Nov 2009


some choices just have to be made.

the choice of being happy or unhappy.
the choice of closure.
the choice of letting it hang loose.
the choice of overiding your happiness for some-one else's.
happiness, which you know you are going to take away.
this done so that when you finally make the final kill the person has something to fall back onto. or more likely so, so that there are no negetive repurcursions;
no guilt.
small gestures of care shown to the other to mask your guilt for you.

some choices just have to be made.

the choice of shutting up.
shutting up even when you know you have been wronged, you have wronged.
shutting up even when you know you are being misinterpreted, misunderstood.
shutting up 'coz you do not care.
shutting up 'coz you do not want to mess situations which are already bad.

days pass without having spoken a word.
days pass without noticing people around.
days pass when you wake up unkempt, to unkept promises, un-met deadlines.
days pass you wake up, walk around, last the day, lay down and die. unseen.
you still make the choice of lasting through the day.
the choice of responding is still made.
lie is still chosen over truth.

some choices just have to be made.

9 Nov 2009

realizations 2.

1. i mull, sulk (do not crib ever) when i am free, idle. 
i jump back to being a happy person when i am creatively engaged.

2. since a week or so all the blogs i liked were written by females.
though only male friends of mine blog, it struck as something weird to me. till i found a blog by a male blogger which i instantly liked. the scales are still tipped in favor of girls.


3. Sikhs do not wear helmets. a final conclusion drawn after years of thinking over it.

[P.S. realisation 1 and 2  are related . i was mindlessly blogsurfing for about 3 to 4  days ( coz i was idle at office) til i found work for myself today :P ]

7 Nov 2009

mon oeil !

parents: license to screw your life. well, they made you. so they own you. so it is their call.

elders: license to boss around.
"too young to take a decision honey" 
"you are too young to speak honey"
"you are too matured/practical for your age honey"

people younger to you:  
"hey u do not understand".
.yeah i was never there...yeah and i also do not know what you are doing...
[: |]

people who think they know me but they don't, but they think they know me enough[phew!!]
"what happened?"
"hey are you angry?"

"what happened?"
"why are you so serious?"

"hello baby" [go get a life,screw yourself]
"you should be more considerate, reach out to people" [huh??]

people who know me: we share silence.

[updates soon]

6 Nov 2009

whims and fancies

"what was the inspiration behind it? it felt like you answered my questions for me the ones that were left hanging...somehow"

"i would be lying if i didn't have your convo in mind. i tried to sum up evrybody's feelings...the despair...Agony"

[ a tiny tear drop rolls down my cheek]

"Thank you"

YES and NO

after about 15days of silence between X and Y

[sms: time 00hrs 00 mins: from X to Y]
"i want to hug you, and sleep with my head on your shoulders"

[sms: time 3hrs 30mins from Y to X]
"i will sleep well tonight"

[sms: time 13hrs 30mins from Y to X]
"did you send the sms by mistake"

[sms: time 14hrs from X to  Y]

 [sms: time 14hrs 30mins from X to  Y]
" Doesn't mean we're back"

[sms: time 15hrs from Y to X]
"have a smiling day beautiful"

5 Nov 2009

i thought i had lost you.

[around 12:30 pm...thursday afternoon in the office. 4 missed calls and 2 messages later bhavika looks at the phone...an impending call from mumma]

mumma:[hysterically shouts] where were you beta. i called so many times. why are you so careless.
bhavika: I'm fine mumma, was at another desk, wasn't online through the day, didn't check my phone.
mumma: [cries on the phone] i spilled milk this morning... i thought you were lost. i thought i had lost you...

3 Nov 2009

my bubblegum sandals!!

i remember the afternoon when we sat on the porch.
i was in love with my bubblegum sandals and you told me of my childhood.

today when i sit with my child i see the bubblegum sandals she wears.
and i tell her about the child who wore bubblegum sandals just like these.

dead and alive :)

suddenly, all of a sudden you wake up and realize you are too precious just too precious to run down into oblivion....to get lost.
it has been just a day and i am back. :)
didn't even give people time to realize (assumption is there were people who did keep track of me :P)
maybe it is unwritten garbage that i have added my share to. maybe.
but there are a small set of people who care and people who want me around.
people who do not actually understand my depths but want to see me smile.
people who know me inside out, like an open book and still love me.

like a popular song goes
"...and this life is too short to live it just for you..."
i am living dreams of most women in my family. my cousin who said i was close to living your life...my mom who always wanted her daughter to be like i am...i am living her dream.

i am too full of myself to do that i realized. i have too little time to live pissed off with the world.
too little time to not spend with immediate people around me.
there is too much in formation around me that i have to gather and too many people who need my immediate attention.
it is too short a life to spend hating/disliking/ignoring people.

but please forgive me if i still am indifferent/ a little too full of myself/ a little too selfish for your comfort/ a little too open and make you awkward/ a little too bland, blunt / a little too off the hook for you :P
i apologize if i hate it when you have expectations out of me. chances are i wont live up to them or many a times exceed them.
i still need the pathos for the sheer pleasure of basking into bliss that follows.

i am all this i will be all this. this makes me what i am.

lolz...death in the cyber world is a sure way to have a quick look at what people will do/feel like when you are actually dead. i am just not too sure if i want to find out :)