Falling slowly

Killed myself. Died when I broke the promise I made to myself.

He was right. All my life I will be just OK. He cursed me.

No I am just blaming him and him. He doesn't need to be sensitive. I need to stand up and fight for myself. I need to walk out of the mess that I have made of myself, to be myself again.

...Moods that take me and erase me and I am painted black...
....

Mera wo samaan lauta do...

Day dreams. Pretence.
You and me back then. Pretence.
Ignore me like you always did.
Love me like you never did.
Far away. Near. Pretence.
Tears. Smiles. Pretence.

I jump off mountains, I walk those empty streets, I fly...fly, up up and away.
Reality. Pretence.

Looking for you. Empty not. full? Not yet. Looking for you. Pretence.

...ek sou solah chaand ki raatein, ek tumhare kandhe ka til...

Samaan tere paas...main? Pretence.

hush.

dig a pit and bury yourself in it.

my dad just wants him to be qualified.
my mom...God knows what she is serious about, except in her obsession with cracking PJs and making my life a long standing one.
and my brother ogles at his 'female' FBfriends.

I may say a lot but I cant. wont. no one will listen. 

MY CRIME (?)

am i criminal if try and think for me for a change.
i do not want you . i do not love you. i do not love him either.

but am i a criminal if i care for myself.

but am i a criminal if i care for YOU, as well.

am i a criminal  if i say i care for you but cannot love you.
am i a criminal if i listen to you when you shriek and shout and call me names?
am i a bloody criminal when i say someone is perfect. am i insane?
am i a criminal if i for a change let go?
if i found a little happiness for me beyond you?

am i a criminal if i moved on?

aren't you so bloody selfish when you call me so??

why should i live with the guilt when you go fuck up your life?
why should i feel guilty if i was happy?
why should i not find happiness for myself?

aren't you responsible for yourself?
why am i supposed to take care of you?
did you ever take care of me?
why do you want me to pity you?

why do you loose your dignity in front of me?

why do i feel guilty every time i smile without you?

why do i still want to sit besides you?

why do i still smile with you?

i should die really.

P.S.: a situation when you want to be in a crossroad so that there is a third option left to go. instead of  a single road where you either go up or down, an option to just move sideways.

PaTHos

i don't hate life.
but i am keen on getting lost.
it is difficult for me to contain.
like lashing myself...scars, the physical manifestations of the innate ugliness.
pain is excruciating...
i feel stabbed..cut, bruised; i cannot ease.
but i ain't neither, ever.
like the lead up to an orgasm where the senses are heightened but there isn't the relief of the release.
moment when one is supposed to be supremely blissful, one with the Supreme.
bliss in pain.
paradoxical like life.
pain of what i do not know.
pain why i do not know.
i am over-whelmed, surprisingly without a reason...
intoxicated, high without an ounce of weed.

bruise me.
cut me.
let the pain run down as blood.
so that you can heal me.
caress me.
and save me from drowning into oblivion.

mock me.
put me in the spot.
laugh at the jest; the universe's efficient ensemble.
so that you can look me in the eye.
and sing to me.
recite the verses of misery.

push me.
drown me.
flood me with thy philter.
so that when you look away.
and walk out.
I can allow non-satiation bring out the best in me.

Numb.

The world comes crashing down.
I feel no pain.
Am I on dope or in a deep slumber?
Expediency has brought me to waste.
Have been torn and ripped apart;
A million stabs on my back.
All this without the convenience of a gash.
Blood clots and cakes, invisible by the makeup.
Pushed into a place I don’t belong.
Am I on dope or in a deep slumber?
Waiting for the fall to overwhelm me.