...

As I settle in the evening with my cup of tea, trying to paint a picture of what I felt, to record it, so that I can come back to it again, I can feel it slipping away.

It is a rare occurrence when I am not able to gauge what I feel. I can pinpoint exactly what stage I am at, what malady is knocking on my door. But it was different this afternoon, a quiet and pleasant afternoon in the ‘summer-y’ winter of Mumbai, where it's neither hot nor cool. A sweet, but not jarringly so, controlled happiness flooded my chest as I lay with the room-darkening curtains drawn, eyes closed while my daughter lay beside me, pretending to eat a rainbow which her beloved Horton had brought in for her.

Imagine a tiny fissure in an airtight compartment—that minuscule hole where the air just gushes in, slowly but surely. My heart filled with a feeling that I had not experienced in some time, in a long time, ever?. It was contentment enveloped in quiet happiness—nonchalant happiness. It was a busy morning, like most weekend mornings, and I was looking forward to a nap which got pushed to early evening (late afternoon). I took my eight intentional deep breaths trying to fall asleep, and it kept coming in. Eyes shut, I could feel my lips curve into a smile. I am not superstitious, but I am afraid of happiness; somehow it is always the calm before the storm. This time around it did not stop and I resisted fighting that feeling, it kept gushing in. Now my heart is filled. For now.

It is not better to have loved and lost because the knowledge of the feelings felt and the truth of now, where one is living without them, is unbearable. I am looking for words, trying to make this ‘deep’ but I have none. How is it possible to be nostalgic for the feeling that you are feeling right now? How does one hold on to it? It does what all moments do, slip through your fingers. How does one now hit pause and stop and not let anything come on it? - leave it pristine untouched as is? How can I effectively - successfully take a photograph of a moment that I want to hold onto for a little while longer while it is slipping away as fast as it came in? 

something warm, something sweet, something like garam chai

It should feel like a fresh bath.

It should feel like the soft light feels, on a rainy, misty evening.

Should feel like a warm hug.

Should feel like an unspoken prayer, should feel like an unshed tear.

Should feel like half a smile.

Should feel ‘maddham’ .

Should feel like the warm blanket.

Feel like life.

Should feel like I am alive.

sonrisa

...and what did I do today? I played hide and seek (he did the hiding) with a 2 year old kid at the table opposite mine when I was out for dinner today.

I didn't need dessert and he laughed a hearty laugh =)

.......................................................

smiles

“I am worried about you L “

Surprising isn’t it how effortlessly someone/something can make your day?

la la laaaaaaazzzyyy.

cute.
very cute.
very very cute


wait...did i say cute?


=D

sifar-2

Wind blowing on my face, a song on my lips and hundreds and thousands of faces.

I stand at the edge of the gate, in that train that I take every day.  

I am nothing for those 18 odd minutes, I leave one half of the day behind to come back and live another half. It is my break. I don’t have to be anything; I don’t have to wear a mask. Amongst those hundreds and thousands of unknown faces, most which I might never see again, I lose my sense of being and at the same time am closest to me.

Half listening to the track playing on the background cutting out the chaos outside of me and inside me,I sense silence, blissful serene silence.

I am calm. 

For those 18 odd minutes I am zero.  

For those 18 odd minutes I am ALL.

auva auva.

random lyrics from the song:

*sweep sweep sweep...sweep sweep sweep  *
 
*auva auva tumse hai tumse pyaar
auva auva tumse hai tumse pyaaa..aaa..aaa..aaa..aaar.*

                                         ...................................................................

LOVE the song! =D
 

random smiles =)

well, i did try captioning them. 

but i guess. i said almost all i had to when i set  the title.

.......................................................

and btw is it vanity if i spend a lot of time reading my own posts over and over?

the diary entry.

January 6^th, 2010.

It was a normal day. I woke up 15 minutes earlier than usual. I made tea, while I watched mummy rushing, packing lunch for me and papa,fixing breakfast and also listening and nodding to everything that I said in those precious 15 mins (the end of which I spilled a lil on the kitchen slab and dirtied it, but that is ok). I walked a little slower today. The train arrived before time.

At work I did not put my headphones on through the day, instead I called up the receptionist and told her that it was A.R.Rehman’s birthday today and that we should play his songs (we have in-house music in the office), heard him in the first half, heard Mohd. Rafi and Kishore Kumar in the next. I laughed at Marathi jokes which my teammates happily translated for me.

I cracked jokes, I finished both the cups of coffee the office boy served. I made less mistakes today, finished my work before time.

I heard zee-hale-miski on my way back and was completely engrossed.

For dinner, mom fed me( awesome!) sambar-rice (awesome!). I made her listen to Stairway to Heaven, Chasing Cars and Layla, she loved the tracks. 

It is not even 10 in the night and I am ready for bed.

Content.

It was just a normal day.

Life is beautiful.

Yes. =) 

a known stranger

i close my eyes

  imagine u

  and that face pops up

  yes.

  you are a moment.

  a moment that is blissful

  now i m making a full hour of it

of bliss

  it is hazy and misty

  and has lots of rain

  and a windowpane

  where you and me sit

  watching the rain drops

  just that

  and...

wait

  and the best part is we cannot see each other

  you don't see me neither do i

  i am in your embrace...

  you are holding me'tight.

  and i feel you, feel you feeling me

  

you feel me?

BLISS

bliss

is a man singing me poetry,

bliss

 a man playing a flute. 

bliss 

is when i am speechless, when i cannot fight back, when my ego is slashed. 

bliss 

is when wind blows my hair away from my face.

bliss

is riding on my brothers bike and us singing out nonsensical songs aloud. 

bliss 

is talking to a friend and getting a perspective, a compeletely new line of thought that you could never lay your hands on

bliss

is finding out soemthing new about someone you have known for ages and even then it is just in time. 

bliss

is waiting for a text message and getting it when you have lost hope. 

bliss

is YOU.

bliss 

is not wanting to wake up from the bed and not feeling guilty about it. 

bliss 

is being commfortable in your skin

bliss 

is listening to different versions of your favourite track.

bliss 

is listening to music and songs so beautiful that you cannot decide which one was better.

bliss

is reading someone writing your heart out

bliss

is shedding a tear when you kiss.

bliss

is finding out that someone is better than you expected.

bliss

is people living upto your expectations.

bliss

when you can be mad at someone without the fear of losing him/her.

bliss 
is the capacity of zero expectations.
bliss. 
is ME.

BLISS- 

mom calling me, rain from my balcony,my brother, music, poems,watching 3 beautiful tracks back to back, fighting over a scoop of icecream with two spoons,work, work when you are getting better at it, a friend missing you and you find him/her exactly at the same time.

i was all set to start a newer happier blog, a place that was devoid of all the sadness that this place is so laden with, a friend told me that i would squeeze this place off the little happiness it sees...i list out my moments of pure joy here. 

of brothers!

i was looking for something that i did not find.

i made arrangements to go without it.

i found it 3 days before d-date. 

it was too late to incorporate into the work schedule but too important to leave.

i was in a fix.

scared, shit shit scared.

there are these nervous pangs which are almost unknown to me. i have given umpteen exams, umpteen vivas, i just never have nervous breakdowns, nervous pangs and that sinking feeling is something that is foreign to me. melancholy is my vice, but a cool head and confidence is my virtue.

i was shit scared.

but then 

i had a brother who looked at me and said don't worry we will work it out.

 i realized i have this particularly peculiar confidence in him that lifted that cloud.
he is younger than me but then he was like a big brother who is here only to get rid of my problems for me =)

it still was a troubled night but i knew i had someone to walk with me.

i was scared no-more.

cheers!!

p.s.:  i will still fight with him and crib about him.. =)

-------/--\--------

ek purana mausam lauta :)

yeah, indolence makes you do silly things sometimes and before you realize they turn out to be very interesting.

i was bored in office (as usual) i went through all my scraps  :)

from beginning [in orkut]

yeah yeah it sounds very mundane and silly...but i had so much fun. there are scraps from 2006 from people i do not even remember and what good rapport i seem to have shared with them.

on the other hand i have other friends who have stood through thick and thin.

there are people seem to have spoken to at length who don't feature in my friend's list anymore...whom i don't remember...i have links in my scrap book which are obsolete :)

i seem to have had long discussions spanning pages but i cant seem to recall the thought that sparked them.

i have been spoken to in code languages which supposedly had made me laugh and i cannot make the head and tails of it :P

like a trip down memory lane.

i felt so good about myself..like i have found myself with others, from others.

like i have been loved all along...lived all along...like there was a past and today will pass and one day again in future when i am bored i will look at this post of mine and again reminisce my days.

this probably is what old people think when they see pictures...when parents see their children grow up.

and suddenly the homesickness disappears and is replaced with a nostalgic-content-happy me :)

and i am reminded of this gazal...

     ek puraana mausam lauTa, yaad bhari purvayi bhi
aisa to kam hi hotha hai, wo bhi ho tanhaayee bhi

yaadon ki bauchaaroN se jab palke bheegne lagti hai
kitni soundi lagthi hai tab maanjhi ki ruswaee bhi

do do shakleN dikthi haiN is behke se aayine meiN
mere saath chala aaya hai aapka ik saudayee bhi

khamoshi ka haasil bhi ik lambi si kamoshi hai
unki baath suni bhi humne, apni baat sunayi bhi

..smiling...

boundless us...boundless me...

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.” -M.K.Gandhi

let's be wild.

let us get high.

half-walk, half-fall on un-named streets.

asking for directions to a place just because the name seems nice.

eating off the streets only because the vendor passed a smile.

buying stuff because the colours are bright.

are you hurt...I'd give you my shoulders to cry..

fuck the bitch and walk till the sorrow drains out.

 let us stare at every face that mocks us.

every glare rightfully, scathingly returned.
let us take the midnight bus because we do not want to go home tonight.

let us announce our arrival...

let us be the refugees who ruled the worlds.

let's be wild.

do you believe in fairies??

Peter Llewelyn Davies: This is absurd. It's just a dog.
J.M. Barrie: Just a dog? *Just*?
[ to Porthos]
J.M. Barrie: Porthos, don't listen!
[ to Peter]
J.M. Barrie: Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man", or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just.

"Do you believe in fairies? Say quick that you believe."

"If you believe, clap your hands!" 

i believe that i would be taken up..and flown away with the winds..

i believe there will be mirth without malice...

and candies without the chagrin...

i believe there will be a sunset where i drop a

tear with a smile on my face...

content never wanting anything ever again...

i believe every decision to be taken is a two-sided coin...

both faces charting different routes to the same destination...

one to be walked..through the woods..the other to swim across the seas..

i believe i'd walk singing along the serpentine roads...making friends with the squirrel..

i believe i'd swim with a dolphin  for company..

i believe there will be you in the end..waiting...i believe you'd wait...
i believe...

smiles carried forward...

The day started out usual. I was late. Burnt the toasts I was supposed to have. Made less coffee than required so couldn't come around to drink it. so made a sandwich out of the burnt toasts, wrapped them in paper, shoved it in my bag, carelessly tied my hair and rushed out...waited for the lift to come up to my floor, rushed back to the flat to check if I hadn't closed the door from the outside...bhaiya was standing at the door and gave me a sheepish smile, I smiled back stupidly (he always brings out the child in me)...

Waited for the auto on the road...waited.
Waited. Period . Still waiting.
After full 10 mins of waiting under the sun I finally got an auto…

Pulled out the cold sandwich struggled with the tissues and my hair and the sandwich and the bumpy ride :(

I am currently reading the alchemy of desire ...I read the conversation the couple has on 'the herbivores’ i smiled.

The auto then struggled in the traffic and I hit my head...I cursed.

There is this eunuch I meet every day on my way to office. She commented on my black nail polish when I once denied her money. We smile at each other and i give her min change. My nails were bare today. She smiled and said I will buy u a new one. To that the auto wala smiled and we chatted on our way to the office. Our smiles were infectious..there was this guy on the road who saw us smiling and chatting and couldn't help smiling...in the terrible jam near my office the auto-wala smiled and spoke to a man on the opposite car...he smiled and replied (no idea what they spoke abt..Still struggling with kannada)...

I reached office, entered half hopping, smiling...(surprisingly I wasn't late!!!)...smiled at Shankar boss when I said good morning...

he looks at me and says 'bhavika kya baat hai itni khush kyun ho?'

i was at loss.. :)

ECSTASY: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

why do we tingle the touch-me-not?
stare at the sun..till we see violet blotches everywhere?
why do we wear brilliant whites..and then go to the dirtiest places and sulk when they are dirty?


why do we smile when we see a school going kid bend down and struggle with his laces?
and his water-bottle and his bag?
why does the sweet dairy milk sweeten the day when you have it for breakfast?


why do we sing a song and hop a step when the breeze is nice?
why does food remind you of mom?
and a hug and a pat of your brother?


the sky is brilliantly blue when your eyes are clear...
the smiles are infectious...(more than the swine flu)...
and the laughter harder...

life is always beautiful just get up on the right side of the bed :P

SIGHTS

Green and orange in the yellow maggi in a black frying pan.

The green grass all around the grey runway[the view outside my balcony]

A professional all dressed up sharing the same table with a street vendor.

A mother holding her child’s hands en-route to school as the auto driver takes a sharp turn.

A young guy looking all tense, half -running-half walking; while an old man follows with books in his hands smiling.

The house on my way to office with a beautiful mural of pebbles and masks .

A guy standing on one side of the road, leaning on the lamp-post and looking at a girl on the other side struggling with the n number of things in her hand.
He smiles.

I smile. :)

evening.

An elephant, its trunk sucking in air.
An airplane and the merry-go-round of the fair.
I see Zeus’s throne and yes the Himalayas, the abode of Shiva all in shades of blue. Every shade thinkable. The deepest of the blue; turquoise blue; the blue of the seas and yeah the blue of the sky…

…I had clouds visiting me this evening.
Clouds all around all shapes and sizes,

Stratus came in first. Feathery and light…
Spread over the sky…a lovely drizzle came about, cool water; purifying.
Over the mountains came over the mighty cumulus overpowering the stratus which finally bade me farewell…the cumulus thundered like a villain in the middle of a movie right before the intermission…
…Then there was the wind…cumulus tried to fight and put on a brave face but they had to change their mind and well started moving westwards…
The sky cleared and the cirrus came in with the winds’ consent.
It was that time of the evening again. The sun was parting and at that time that part of the sky was scarlet whereas east was a luminous blue.
The sky slowly draped itself in the darkest indigo and brought in the night.
Tiny little stars popped out in the sky and I said bye with a smile with the crescent of the moon beaming back at me.

My Liberator

My heart, it sobs;
My eyes, they weep;
As the time slogs,
and the clock sleeps.

The time seems to stop,
in face of a ravine deep,
Was here I to drop?
the light from the cloud gleams.

The light dazzles;
Shining , tearing away the gray.
Shimmering leaving sadness astray;
traveling and taking me along.

I live again;
I love again.
I fly awayI let the light take over me…

..My light my liberator