26 Sep 2010

"Between Hope and Fear, Love makes her home." - Raymond Lully.4

"The thoughts are now closing in…I am closing up. Shutting up completely for sure…getting lost again, into oblivion, obscurity locking the doors leaving the key behind and burning the house down. I’ll do that tomorrow, in the morning; yes mornings are great times to start things. To begin things, that are calling for an impending end. Yes, I’ll think more clearly and more surely in the morning.

There is a knock on the door, it is you again.
Why?
Why today of all days?
I’m not pretty today I am ugly, scarred almost insipid.
Why?

Hushed... I feel you close, coming onto me…kissing my scars, all of my pain, my malice. gaining power over me, taking me in as I was never gone, as you were never gone. holding me like I was yours forever. Like there is a power that you can command. Like there was nothing lost, like there was no asking. 
But it hurts to see you see me like this.see me unkempt. 
I feel uglier when I am held in your arms; my abode once, that place is not mine anymore.
I am repulsive, stagnant stuck somewhere, stuck in you.  The mirrors laugh at me, I am the jest. I have thrown them out…I don’t look like I looked in your eyes…I look different. 

You are closer now; I feel all of you…completely. I feel complete…I look for mirrors to capture this moment, no I have thrown them out…I see my reflection in your eyes…again….


The weight suddenly lifts, yet I feel heavy. The morning light hurts my eyes. I can’t think anymore…you’re gone, nothing’s changed. No, I can’t think anymore…
I'll lock the doors, leave the keys and burn the house down. I’ll do it tomorrow for sure. I think. "


5 comments:

  1. Hush now angel don't you cry
    Everything will be all right
    Close your eyes and drift in dream
    Rest in peaceful sleep


    Why so serious?

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  2. you know, there are always two ways of looking at the one you love...either you want them to see you at your best or and this is what happens to me, you want to see them at your worst...i couldn't really figure out which one is a more truthful emotion..but i guess like your post mentions, subtly, there is a relief in being seen at your worst isn't it? you don't need to hide anymore..but why would you need to burn the house?

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  3. honestly there is no honest form, you just want them to see you.
    yes, that is the whole truth to whichever way you look at it.
    this here says that there has to be an end.
    till the time there are rooms with stuff in them you will keep going in, wanderign about nostalgic. you have to brn the house down one day. this is surety that the house has to be burnt, someday. someday when there is enough courage and enough selflessness.

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  4. BA i am treating the question you asked as a rhetorical question.

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  5. krish i think you were right, it is always better for the lover to see you at your worst, you don't have to hide.

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